It’s the Bear’s birthday today! He is two years old and he had a nice and needed hair cut yesterday, so I’m looking forward to taking pictures of his special party and sharing all the happy of celebrating our little happy with you guys! {His name means happy, in case that didn’t make sense to you.}
In the meantime, I’m answering a recent query based on things I said in this post. I hope I don’t lose you on this one. I’ll do my best to explain this to the best of my ability. You see, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all things prenatal. To expound on that, I spent close to two years working on a PhD related to prenatal testing and people with disabilities. And there are just some things that make me uncomfortable about the direction things related to pregnancy seem to be headed in our world.
If there is any space on Earth that I think should be a protected, sacred space, it’s the space where unborn babies reside. It seems like a lot of people don’t like the word womb these days. But you get the idea. That space.
And though we might think that today we can explain how this miracle comes about…how bones are formed, how genes make decisions, how a heart suddenly starts beating, still I don’t feel like we have this sacred space figured out. While all the knitting together is taking place, I am simultaneously convinced this new soul is arriving, this piece of forever that will take on human flesh for a little while. The eternal part of us, that most of us believe lives on long after our days are through. I want to honour that special, sacred space, where all these amazing things happen.
And {reminder: this is a blog, these are my opinions!} I feel like we dishonour this sacred space when we begin making judgements about what’s happening there. When Down’s Syndrome, and even cleft palates, can cause us to decide what’s happening should be stopped. When based on our own assessments of that special space we decide there’s not enough value there to allow things to continue.
Am I saying no to ultrasounds? No. Am I saying no to other prenatal testing? A lot of it, yeah. And for me, when a picture of this tiny little person is pasted on the internet for scrutiny before he or she has even arrived…it just doesn’t sit right in my soul.
I also feel like there is a bit of specialness lost when the announcement is made six months before the little one arrives, “This is Oliver Edward Smith, and he’ll arrive on February 1, 2011 if he’s punctual.â€
{I will stop here to make sure it’s clear that these are just *my preferences and opinions* and I by no means feel that anyone else needs to adhere to them.}
When childbirth becomes just another medical procedure, abortions for disabilities become the norm, elective c-sections are just like any other routine surgery, and the arrival of a new person into the world is more like a “glad to see you on the outside†than a “this is the miracle of life — Someone has just been born!†moment, I just feel like we’re missing some element of the giftedness of life. Of seeing a little one’s arrival, looking them over and saying, “You’re not an Oliver after all. I think you’re David, and I’m so glad you’re here.â€
I may not completely be making sense to all of you. It is difficult to communicate what it is that I feel is missing when screening after screening and ultrasound after ultrasound, happy as long as it’s healthy determines a successful pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong — seeing this little one dancing about in my belly a few weeks ago was a special privilege I won’t soon forget. But regardless of who doctors might tell me she (or he but I think she!) is, she is first of all ours. A gift from the Lord. A blessing and a reward. And a person worthy of love and care and attention and protection, especially at this stage in her story.
And I want you to meet her when we meet her face to face. Because I don’t want her to be on the internet before she’s even born. I don’t want folks on the four corners of the earth making judgements about her based on a squiggly black and white image or two. As silly as it may sound, I want to protect her, and keep the sacred space where God is doing amazing things right now just that. Sacred. Private. Protected. Set apart.
Like a seed being planted which will eventually bloom, something beautiful is happening in me. But rather than digging up the earth to find out what’s going on underground, I’d like to be patient and wait to see what is meant to be seen once it’s in full bloom.
And while I could scratch my head to find more eloquence and perhaps some better arguments, sometimes I think I’m better off just letting you know that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Something special is taking place. And we can share the joy when, pushed through the dirt, it’s in full bloom and ready to shine.
Perhaps you’ll be willing to enjoy a few maternity pics until then? And, by the way, I’d love to hear your thoughts. We might have a discussion about birth control before all this is over with. 🙂
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Oh Happy Birthday Little Bear!!!
And scans:
Apart from the medical implications – and the impact of scans on your unborn… and apart from the implications of the dodgy predictions associated with scans…I am so for giving my little tiny unborns a little privacy and respect.
Just because they are so small doesn’t make them any less people and frankly a little respect is in order!!! We don’t scan on principal but generally we have a gynae that insists on a scan in order to “back-up” a home birth – to see how the baby is lying!!! I have to laugh because for all their experience with babies they should surely know how they are lying… but anyway – we grant them a late scan (37weeks) long after the great 20 week scan where your child is measured and labeled and boxed… terrifying to think that your child will already be labeled big/small, playful/sleepy, tall/short and any other number of things before it is even born!!!
I like your story – so keep sticking to it!!!
OK that makes sense. 🙂 I’ve never thought of it that way, but I can understand where you’re coming from and respect it. I’ve never heard anyone say anything negative about an ultrasound pic so I guess I’ve never thought of them in that context before; I always think of them as an opportunity for everyone to celebrate with you and share in the joy of the little life that’s on the way. 🙂
I’m with you on the dangers of pre-natal testing. There is no such thing as an accidental life, even if it doesn’t look the way we are expecting or hoping it will. I have been humbled by the faith of a woman I “met” (via her blog) recently, whose baby was diagnosed at the 20-week ultrasound with anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect. Most “parents” (I use that term loosely with these people) choose to abort, but this family decided to carry Amelia to full term, knowing that God intended her for good and that they didn’t have the right to choose how long she would live or when she would die. She lived for 1 hour and 50 minutes after birth, and God has used (and is continuing to use) her little life for big things, as her story continues to be a testimony to God’s faithfulness and His power to use all things for good. Just because her life was short, doesn’t mean it was futile; indeed, it’s proving to be quite the opposite. She is richly blessed, as she’s touched more people with that 1 hour and 50 minutes than most people touch in their entire lives.
Anyway, I digress. Go for it, CC! You have more willpower than I do, though…I could never wait to find out the sex of my baby. I have no stomach for suspense, the excitement would drive me crazy! haha
Hi Jenny!
I’ve just realised I wasn’t very clear in what I was saying on the post. I will still have an ultrasound or two (but not the excessive ones that some doctors suggest should happen every month!) — I am just not planning on posting the ultrasound pictures on the internet! There is an amazing book called the Shaming of the Strong that shares a similar story to Amelia’s, which you mentioned. Those stories mean so much to me and are very close to my heart!
We didn’t find out the sex or have any proper ultrasounds with Asher, but we might find out this time! Hope that clarifies things!
xCC
How could I forget? HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHERBEAR! Goodness me, two years already, it seems to have gone by in such a flash! Happy birthday, precious boy.
Happy Birthday, Asher! Have a great one!
Beautiful! So I guess then that we’ll find out the gender of the little one when we see him/her in Feb?
Now I wasn’t saying all that! I don’t want to have eight gabillion ultrasounds but I wouldn’t mind one or two! I just don’t want to post them on the internet!! Can that discussion continue? 🙂 Love you!
Hi! Just saw your comment on liferearranged and decided to stop by and check out your blog!
You present some very great thoughts about the womb! Its so refreshing to hear how you feel about it, and mostly I agree…I don’t think I could pass up an ultrasound though for myself 🙂 We sorta found out our first was a girl- she sorta made it beyond obvious…and we went in hoping to discover if our second was a boy or girl (boy)…but as I long for a 3rd, knowing I have one of each so I will not be quite as desperate to find out *I hope*, I really want baby # 3 to be a complete surprise- though my closest friends and family, and my dear husband, all laugh knowing my tendancy towards impatience and the fact we hardly even make it to Christmas with gifts still left under the tree (at least gifts between my hubby and me!)….but I want to have that moment at least once when its all just such a huge surprise meeting the new little one….praying God will keep me firm in my resolve, though we have a way to go, at this point we are 2 years from trying again, at least within our own plans, baby #2 was an early surprise from God though since we were planning to wait longer at that point as well…
Great post!!
Thanks, Crystal! I’m glad you stopped over! Our first was a surprise, although we felt like we knew it was a boy we never found out for sure. It was a really special thing to make the big announcement and just enjoy that special celebration! I hope you can hang in there because I think you’ll be glad you did! xCC
Wow. I really liked reading your thoughts on this. I totally agree with you on the frustrations about pre-natal testing, abortions for disabilities (can’t we agree that God creates every person how He WANTS them to be, without deciding something is “wrong” with them?), etc. I wish you knew how many papers I had to sign to opt OUT of pre-natal testing (shouldn’t it be the other way around?)…
That being said. I love ultrasounds. And sharing them. I do. I think that just because we can explain what’s happening with science, doesn’t make it any less magical or miraculous. And I love that tiny peek at what God is doing with my child before he/she actually has a birthday. I’m already bonded with baby at that point, and I love that education, and reason, and science (all, I believe, gifts from God) allow us to know so much of what He’s using my body to do with my unborn child in the womb. (Ftr, I’m totally ok with the word womb. Are some people not? I didn’t get the memo on that.)
I totally see what you’re saying about wanting to save some of the excitement and announcement for the birth day itself (it’s for exactly that reason we didn’t announce our daughter’s name until she was OUT), but for me, the conception day — creation day — might be just as important as the birth. I think the bonding process between mom and baby starts LONG before baby is out and breathing, don’t you? It sounds like you do. 🙂 Anyway, sharing pics (and a video in Anneliese’s case!) from the ultrasound was such a fun way for me to share that bond, and share that relationship, that I was so excited to do it! And I hope also that the more “real” we can make our babies — our babies who might not be born, but are certainly already created and already human — before they have birth certificates, the more we affirm the life that God creates AT CONCEPTION. In some ways I want to shout it from the mountaintops — my in-untero baby is here! Alive! Created in God’s image! Growing these first few months of her LIFE inside me! Don’t call her “just” a fetus, she’s my real living baby! Does that even make sense?
But I totally get that you want to respect the private growing space God has created for your child. I love the flower blooming anaolgy. That really resonates with me, and I totally respect that you’ve taken that approach.
I think it’s ok for us to view the situation differently, and it sounds like you do too. The important thing is that we’re all INTENTIONAL with these types of decisions regarding our kids and what we show/tell on internet, because it really does boil down to a privacy issue. (Something I’m struggling with the older Nathan gets — at some point he’s going to know, and care, and be old enough that making his business public really WILL be an invasion of privacy. At which point I will need a new blog premise. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.)
Sorry to be so long-winded. I love and respect your stance on this, just wanted to throw my (intentional) reasons for choosing another route, just for the sake of discussion. I think it’s cool you’re letting the relationship be just about you and the baby for now — God made your body to be solely in charge for this season, so it definitely makes sense to me on that level.
Can’t wait to see her (I’m thinking pink!) when she does come out! And also happy birthday Asher Bear!!! You don’t know me, but I have a very cool son who wants to be friends with you, dude!
PS yes Comment Luv really does luv me. 🙂
Oh my word. As soon as my comment got posted, I saw it’s as long as a blog post in and of itself. Lovely. I’m That Commenter. {sigh}
🙂
Great blog – to me this is the only true, real, happy surprise we get in life.
Caroline,
Got a few things:
1- Happy Birthday to Asher! Wow! Can’t believe he is already 2!
2-Congrats on your new bundle of joy to be…. I don’t know where I have been! 🙂 lol Happy for the both of you!
3-enjoyed your blog… I didn’t post any pics of ultrasounds either,and like you-I didn’t find out the sex either! There are just a few surprises in life,and that’s one of them,and my sisters and I have all made a pack that we wouldn’t find out.
Wayland’s Uncle also was pleased we didn’t find out with our 1st one-he was like, why wrap presents at Christmas if you don’t want it to be a surprise? =)
It just made Brooke’s announcement sooooo special! I had labored for 24 hrs with her,and they decided at the end to do a c-section, and I’m in recovery and Wayland pops in and says, guess what we have? and I’m like, totally out of it but he’s like, we’ve got a girl! =) Such a special moment-I’ll never forget it!
4-that’s all…. 🙂 Hope to see you guys at Christmas! Miss and love you guys, and give your sweet mama a hug for us!
Caroline-
I think that seeing ultrasound pictures, finding out the sex, and even naming the baby before he/she arrives can actually humanize the process for people, make it real. For that I am thankful. We did all of the above. My reasoning was that I wanted to share (with everyone) that the “thing” growing inside me was a BABY, a real live human- NOT a mass of fetal tissue that could be discarded in the name of inconvenience. I posted my ultrasounds, found out the sex (when I could), and named each baby as a testimony to my pro-life position. Life begins at conception (not at birth) in my book. That’s an extra 9 months of celebrating! Hey- maybe we should celebrate conception dates instead of birthdays….but I digress. 🙂
Melinda
I love your thoughts, Melinda! I think there is actually a culture where they celebrate birthdays from conception instead of birth. I love the idea. And I am certainly with you on the Pro-Life position. I am still not sure what it is about sharing the pictures online that makes me feel like I’m making precious private things public…but I certainly don’t think everyone has to take my stance! 🙂 There is definitely a little person already exiting, on his or her way out, and I’m looking forward to meeting him … or her!
I loved the story about not seeing your unborn baby. I couldn’t have said it better myself and I deeply admire you. Thank you for being so transparent! I only today found your blog and will continue to return.
Thanks so much, Jo Ann! I am glad you found your way here and very glad you want to come back! 🙂 Blessings in the meantime! xCC