The Bear is now in excess of twenty-two months…he’s practically rounding the corner on the start of his Terrific Twos. And although I’ve done a decent job, I haven’t really hit my target yet, with regard to losing the baby weight I put on while I was pregnant with him. I have some thoughts as to why that is, and I thought I’d share this “How Not to do it” with you, so that if weight loss is on your agenda, you can avoid these common errors. Most of these are personally tried and trusted suggestions to holding onto the Baby Weight for as long as possible.

Top Ten Ways Not to Lose baby Weight

During Pregnancy…

10. Exercise very occasionally. Show your face at the gym just enough for people to begin to know you as “that pregnant lady that occasionally comes in for a swim but looks a lot like Sea World’s Shamu when she hits the water.” If you spend too much time at the gym, you are NOT packing on the pounds you need to accumulate baby weight.

9. Come up with some really good during-pregnancy addictions, and convince yourself they’re healthy snacks. For example, I ate something called Digestive Biscuits while I was pregnant with the Bear. They are basically cookies perfect for dipping in a cup of tea, and they’re coated with chocolate on one side. But since they have digestive in the title, it seems to me that they qualify as a healthy snack. Break a couple of those bad larries into a cup of low-fat yoghurt. As long as you’re convinced, who’s to argue? You’re pregnant!

8. Take “eating for two” as literally as possible. When those pregnancy books try to tell you that you only need an additional 500 calories or so, you just show them the door! It’s the wooden thing with the knob, Pregger Book! You need to pack on calories to make sure your baby is getting all the nutrients he or she needs! Remind anyone who tries to tell you otherwise it’s your baby and you need to do what you think is best.

7. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that a healthier, fitter Mom is likely to have an easier pregnancy and the baby is more likely to cope through the stress of the delivery. That’s just stuff people say because they don’t want you to get too fat. But if you follow these rules during pregnancy, you’ll be just like me when I was full term with the Bear: in need of a reversing signal if I backed up in a room full of people.

After Pregnancy…

6. If you’re breastfeeding, you have every excuse to continue to intake ridiculous amounts of calories — don’t let giving birth slow you down. Passing on that nourishment on to the little one makes you hungry! Grab a fork! Or a pie!

5. Even after your body has fully recovered from labour, why not give it just a little longer? The baby’s only six months old. You carried it for nine months — surely you need a little more of a break before you hit the gym again.

4. Once you finally do hit the gym again, skip your workout for any and every reason you can think of. Do you feel like you might maybe be coming down with something? Working out is the worst thing you can do. Has your child or spouse come down with something? Well that’s a good enough reason for you to take a breather, too. When opportunity presents itself: Skip the workout. Your baby weight will thank you.

3. Let the busyness of life dictate how often you get exercise, and how healthily you cook and eat. Has a been a long day? Hit the drive-thru. Need an extra perk in the afternoon? A 370 calorie Caramel Macchiato will do the trick. Disclaimer: I can’t say I’ve personally tried this Keep-Your-Baby-Weight method, but I feel confident if you follow it, you’ll see results.

2. Don’t let the fact that you’re still wearing maternity clothes discourage you. Don’t let the fact that people notice what you’re wearing and ask when you’re expecting deter you. You can maintain the steadfast resolution to keep the baby weight as long as you want, as long as your willpower is in tact, and your trousers are looped shut with a rubber band. It’s your baby weight and no one else’s!

1. Last but not least, this is hands-down the very best way to hinder the success of kicking those last few pounds of Baby Weight to the curb. It is a personally tried and tested method, and I’m already beginning to experience the benefits right now. The number one way to keep the baby weight? Get pregnant again.

Scroll down to see the illustrative photo which, if viewed too early, would ruin the surprise…