Long Pauses and Goodbyes

The first time I ever used the word nephew, in the context of me being the aunt, was in reference to a creature with four legs and a tail. His name was Logan, and he was a big-headed, beautiful labrador, who had a white mama and a yellow daddy, if I remember correctly. Named after the winningest coach {yup, that’s a word} in the history of East Carolina University’s football program, he peed in my car, nearly got me kicked out of my apartment and stole my heart, all in the course of the first weekend I ‘puppy-sat’ him twelve years ago.

{When The Bear met Logan – Love at First Lick, 2009}

My brother said good-bye to Logan on Monday night, and though he lived a good and long and generally happy life, right now that doesn’t seem to make the end of it much easier, I don’t think.

I am heart-sore thinking of how quiet my brother’s house probably seems, the dog bed I found for him at Pet Smart last Christmas lying vacant by the window.

I thought again about Spurgeon saying “It must be an awful thing to live an unafflicted life on Earth.” I remember him talking about the power of God to turn bitter waters sweet — the power of God to redeem the things that really, really hurt.

U2 has been one of my favorite bands for a long time because of my brother, and I think all this through and hear Bono in my mind, crooning out these beauty-packed lyrics:

Yahweh, Yahweh
always pain before the child is born.
Yahweh, Yahweh
still I’m waiting for the dawn.
{“Yahweh”, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, 2004}

{Christmas and Patience, 2010}

Somehow all of our lives are lived in that sort of in-between waiting space. Since the only time sorrow will ever truly cease is when all of this is finished. When God folds up time like a tablecloth we’ve all finished eating off of. And while I don’t have the eschatology pinned down regarding what the end of time is going to look like exactly, I’m confident of this: The best is yet to come. Jesus has restoration in mind. And that process started when He said It is finished.

So here and now we dwell in between, in a layer of time where we know there will be a re-creation, a re-birth, the completion of Jesus saying Look! I make all things new. But we are not yet there.

We live in a very pregnant pause. And the Bible actually describes it that way — We know that the whole creation has been groaning, as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves[…] wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. {Romans 8:22,23} This passage goes on to declare those familiar words:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. {Rom. 8:28}

{Thanksgiving 2011}

But we don’t always get to see all of that just yet. We don’t always get to see the redemption right now. We don’t always get to draw a complete circle around the pain, cross through the item that hurts off the list in our souls, and put a little ‘redeemed’ checkmark beside it. Now we see in a mirror, dimly…but then, face to face. Now we know in part, then we shall know fully, even as we are fully known. {1 Cor. 13:12}

So we wait with the hope of glory in mind. We know that pain is temporary, and in a way, our earthly joys are temporary, too. We’re going to laugh again. We’re going to cry again. We’re going to mourn again. We’re going to dance again. God saw it fit for it to be this way. Perhaps because if it was always only ever happy, we’d never look for Him, never realize that the best really is yet to come.

Could it be that this is why contentment is probably one of the healthiest goals we could set our sights on? Not the kind of contentment that says “I can’t do any better, I can’t expect any better, this’ll do for now…” but the kind of contentment that says, “This is where I am at the moment — the past and the future are likely to be different, but I am going to choose to live my right now well, and thankful.”

While trusting for redemption, here’s to living this moment well, and to Logan.

xCC

 

In Edinburgh Again

We’ve just been in Edinburgh since Thursday morning but in some ways it feels like we’ve been here for a week. The wedding went off with just one hitch — the one that was supposed to happen, Alan + Agnes got hitched! We made it to the rehearsal at lunch time on Thursday by the skin of our teeth (thank you, Edinburgh Council, for roadworks and diversions in every direction!) And then the big day was here in no time!

Agnes looked absolutely amazing. Alan looked like he couldn’t been happier. The bridesmaids were in a mix of “summer fruits” colours that were just beautiful together, the groomsmen were in a mix of kilts and suits that will make for some interesting photos. The Bear donned a kilt and sported it very very well, and he proclaimed Sophie, the flower girl, his new best friend at bath time this evening. {She was (and is) ADORABLE!!!} They weren’t really supposed to come on stage during the ceremony, but they did, and it worked out okay.

I am sitting beside the Hubs as I type this, looking over his shoulder at some of the absolutely stunning photos he captured of the day. Which brings to mind one very important thing I don’t want to forget to say — thank you SO much, to many of you, for saying a prayer that it wouldn’t be raining and we could get some nice outdoor photos on Alan + Agnes’s wedding day.

HH had the chance to get all the family shots outside the venue, another set of photos with the bridesmaids and groomsmen at a little pond near Arthur’s Seat {a big pretty hill in Edinburgh} and then a heap of gorgeous (from what I’ve caught a glimpse of so far) shots of just the bride and groom in a few different spots near Arthur’s Seat and back by the venue.

And guess what?

As soon as the Hubs loaded the bride and groom into a taxi after the photos at Arthur’s Seat, it started drizzling, and the proper rain held off just long enough to capture those last few shots back at the venue! Agnes put on her wellies {rain boots} for those shots at Arthur’s Seat and I think the photos of the feetsies are going to be adorable!

After the ceremony and that big photo session, we enjoyed a fabulous dinner and some absolutely delightful speeches — and, oh man, I laughed until I cried when Agnes’s Dad shared the story of her finding a dead hedgehog at an early age and insisting on burying it and singing it a striking eulogy which he decided to begin recording around the seventh verse {apparently the sun was going down and the verse count was in the thirties somewhere when they decided it was time to go inside.}

The evening of dancing and ceilidh time kicked off with a magical first dance that I really hope someone posts to youtube soon. {I’ll post the link here if I find out someone does.} Alan + Agnes choreographed an absolutely beautiful, fun, hilarious first dance that was such a delight to watch. Someone handed the Bear a camera and he walked around for half the evening capturing photos of people which, unfortunately, were mostly taken from crotch height.

And thank heavens — a little plea I posted on Facebook scored a babysitter for Tiger Tank, and after help from several friends during the photos, my friend Sara arrived to collect the Tiger, and he strolled to her flat, where he enjoyed yoghurt, a serious poop (so sorry about that, Sara) a good bath, Finding Nemo, and, much to Sara’s dismay, hanging out with her husband, who apparently became the Tiger’s new favourite as soon as he walked in the door after work.

{THANK YOU SO MUCH, SARA! And Scott and Jenna and Nicole and Julia and Ailsa and everybody who hung out with our Tiger at the wedding! You’re an answer to prayer!}

Now that the busy moments surrounding the big event are all done, we can {hopefully} catch up on sleep and recover from jet lag just in time to head back to the Carolinas on Wednesday! We’re looking forward to being back at our old church, seeing so many dear friends, and perhaps enjoying a few more of the special foods and delicacies that we can only enjoy in this neck of the woods. {Can you say “Bacon Roll with Brown Sauce”? I’ve already had two.}

I hope to share some those amazing photos with you soon! In the meantime, with love from Auld Reekie…

xCC

Having Money, Being Rich

Do you know who I am? Do you know how much money I’m worth? I’m worth 15 million dollars, and … A conversation with a neighbour took a dramatic turn. A misunderstanding about a pile of weeds escalated from complicated to emotionally charged in a matter of minutes. By the time he’d walked away, I was in tears.

You probably want a little bit of a backstory. We’re staying in a home that doesn’t belong to us, but we’re doing our best to take care of the property while balancing the many other things we have going on at the moment. The Hubs spent some time hacking away at a ginormous wall of weeds, spending a few weekend afternoons sweating and getting his legs scraped while he tugged and fought with long-overgrown earth. He made a couple of huge piles of weeds, since he was going at this jungle from every angle, hoping to get things cleared out before it was too late and the bushes and trees at the back of the property were killed.

I only knew about the one pile of weeds, the one the Bear had “helped” him tote to the street the Saturday before, when a neighbour came around to talk about the weeds. I would describe that first conversation as calculatingly civil — though I found it all odd at the time — why did this neighbour care about the weeds in our yard?

I didn’t know about a second pile of weeds on the other side of the property line. I didn’t know the Hubs was hoping to speak with this neighbour about working together to get it all cleared out, since it seemed we were pulling weeds on both sides of the property line, though we weren’t actually certain where the property line was.

Not knowing about the big pile of weeds on his land, I assured the neighbour that the Hubs would be clearing the second pile he’d created on our side of the line. I didn’t understand why he cared about our backyard — and I didn’t realize until afterwards that it was his vacant lot he was bothered about.

I told the Hubs the neighbour had stopped by, and the Hubs told me he was hoping to speak with him. The weeds hadn’t been cleared when he showed up again two weeks later, while HH was away, assisting with a wedding shoot. Civil turned to curt and then curt turned to downright cruel.

It’s hard for me to recall how it all started — the neighbour arriving and beginning the conversation in an aggressive manner, beginning to attack my husband’s character. I was immediately on the defensive, my head spinning, trying to think of words to say while being repeatedly interrupted. No chance to explain the misunderstanding. No chance to say “He’d like to speak with you, sir.” Just repeated attempts at replying to a fast-paced bombardment of questions.

At one point, I held my hands in the air, gently trying to bring reason to the situation: softly, “Sir, why are you so offended about this?”

It was an opportunity to walk down a path of peace, but he wasn’t willing to take it.

By the end of the “conversation” he’d given an ultimatum: a deadline for moving the pile of weeds, or a lawsuit. 

But more than anything else, those simple words rang in my ears: Do you know who I am? I am worth 15 million dollars and I will sue…

It was the first time anyone had ever told me how much money they were worth in order to tell me why I needed to do what they said.

My Mom was a witness to the event — also occasionally attempting to bring reason but not wanting to intervene. She managed to grab an opportunity to ask his name because No, we didn’t know who he was.

Once I had settled down, wiped the tears, regrouped, my Mom headed home. My Dad was angry. The Hubs was angry. I was left to ponder one of the most unusual interactions I’d had with another human being for a long time.

These days have been a struggle for me. I’ve found it hard to stay thankful and to really see what dearly-loved John spoke about: “From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.”  {John 1:16} Little foxes have crept in to spoil the vineyard — little annoyances, small frustrations — I’ve been staring at the problems, the pests, the weeds.

But thankfulness met me again, just this evening. Wise words, cupping my face and looking deep into my eyes: Remember how to see? Remember how to look up? Remember Who to see — because earth is crammed with heaven’s glory, every common bush is aflame with God.

But only he who sees takes off his shoes.

Only he who sees.

The morning after that unpleasant conversation was a Sunday morning. I eagerly soaked in a sermon for the first time in a while — I have had trouble leaving Tiger Tank in the nursery — or he has had trouble letting me go.

The pastor was speaking about serving together, living with Christ’s objective in mind: People, restored to right relationship with God, maturing and living out God’s destiny for their lives. I eagerly scribbled down the words – thoughts I’d been wrestling with seemed clearer, things I’d been thinking about seemed to make more sense.

And then these words met me, as he spoke about our need to give attention to the poor:

Poor is not simply an economic term. We are all poor in spirit because we have aspects of our lives that are broken.

And they reminded me of a Scripture I’d read to the Hubs in bed, my eyes wide, my lips grinning — I know these words because I sense them in my life:

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses […] sorrowful, yet always rejoicing, poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. {2 Cor. 6: 4 & 10, emphasis added}

These days have been a struggle — with pests and heaps of laundry and rough and tumble boys who pull my hair and throw things on the floor and go their own way, and I forget to look up. But the reminder of God’s goodness is always there for the taking, and we have received one blessing after another — but only she who sees takes of her shoes.

That taking off of the shoes — the action of Moses when he saw that burning bush and God spoke to him and said to take off his sandals, for he was standing on holy ground — that taking off of the shoes is an act of worship. That taking off the shoes is an act of not just noticing, it is an act of observing, truly seeing. Respectfully acknowledging the glory.

I have not taken off my shoes much lately.

But this daily-a-debtor-to-grace-soul of mine met the One to whom I owe that debt again this evening and as He gently talked it out with me on paper, the conclusion of the matter was this:

I will live rich because I am thankful.

Perhaps it was a bad day, a bad month or a bad year that made a neighbour want to tell me about his net worth in order to tell me about my inferiority, my need to heed his directions. But the talk of riches belied the truth — in that moment, he was very poor. And perhaps in a lot of his life right now, he is very poor.

And shouldn’t we observe what seems like a discontent and unhappiness — a regular pattern among the wealthiest among us? The athletes and celebrities who seem to have it all, somehow so many of them still seem poor. But from where the rest of us stand, we think the grass looks green.

What is richness?

What will we have if we can’t take it with us?

Hopefully, a life lived well. Hopefully, we will have had the time of our lives. Hopefully, we will hear Well done.

Could that whole process start with taking off our shoes? Seeing the gifts in every day, instead of pining away for the gifts on the other side of the fence? It is the blessing of the Lord that makes rich, And He adds no sorrow with it. {Prov. 10:22}

We have to observe these blessings of ours, before we can count them.

xCC

The Lip-Dub Proposal

This is one of the most remarkable videos I’ve seen in quite some time. And the Hubs showed it to me a week ago, quite literally the day after it happened — and I marveled for all kinds of reasons. Like, look how this video has become crazy popular in a day. And look how much effort this man put into asking this woman to be his wife.

And what is it in all of us that is hungry for amazing? Huge. Gigantic life by the gallon. Like when the Hubs asked me to marry him and I delighted in the fact that it just felt so epic. Different and special and fantastic and gosh, this must be what it feels like to live a good story.

I feel like all of us are hungry to live a good story. {Could that be because we have a Creator who created us/wants us to live a good story?} And I have some thoughts about that coming up in the morning. But for now, I just had to make sure you saw this video. It’s epic.

{The video apparently doesn’t want to be embedded anymore — it worked at first!?! — so click here to view it.}

Let me know what you think!

xCC

 

The Wedding in the Bushveld {Photos}

I tried to tuck my hair into the back of my dress to keep it from blowing in the wind. The baby was sitting on my lap, dressed in a baby blue shirt, khaki pants and brown sandals. Wedding-white pacifier clenched between his tiny teeth. His brother beside him, in very similar attire.

We cruised along in an open-top landy, kept our game-spotting eyes on just in case. Pointing out a friendly giraffe to the boys, pausing for a moment to stare at the magnificent creature, then heading on again so as not to be late. It was a beautiful afternoon in the bushveld.

We weren’t the first to arrive: several guests were admiring the scenery, looking out over the cliff to a river below, hills in the distance, a Land Cruiser leaving behind a cloud of red dust as it sped across a well-worn trail, cutting through the game reserve.

The scene was minimalist, and perfect. White ribbons draped from a tree, holding clear glass bottles that each held a single protea. A cascade of flower petals formed a makeshift aisle, leading to a small carpet, nicely framed with a tall bush on either side.

Under the flower-tree a table laid with canapés and champagne — all ready for the arrival, the event, and the celebration to follow.

The arrival was simple, and elegant. The bride in a Land Cruiser, escorted by her father, and of course the ranger who drove the vehicle. The bouquet, a single protea — beautiful and large and surrounded with bright green leaves. Her dress, vintage — the one her mother wore on her wedding day years before.

The moment, too, was simple and elegant — without the fanfare of bridesmaids and groomsmen or flower girls and ring bearers. Blushing and sturdy declarations of love and intention, laced with words of grace and hope.

This kiss captured by the camera — one of my favourite shots from the event.

The quiet elegance that surrounded the affair was interrupted in a most glorious fashion by a number of ladies who worked at the reserve — dressed traditionally from head to toe, arriving to sing, to dance, to serenade the newlyweds with overwhelming joy and good cheer.

Guests gathered to enjoy the entertainment, and one eager photographer grabbed the opportunity to capture the moment while everyone else soaked it in.

There were drinks and laughs and smiles in every direction.

As the sun set, a super moon rose, and we gathered ourselves back into the Landys for a reception at one of the lodges on the reserve.

What a beautiful way to create an unforgettable moment – the understatement of the manmade surroundings unwilling to detract from the glorious beauty of creation surrounding us on every side. A perfect setting for saying “I do” and “I will” — I was joyful to be a witness to it.

Congrats to Penny — you looked stunning and the wedding was amazing.

Congrats to Vaughan — I’ve never seen you smile so big before! It was magical.

xCC

If you would like to see more of the Hub’s fabulous photos from the wedding, please click here to head over to the Quiver Tree Photography site.

Held

It occurred to me at around 11 pm, holding a tired and jet lagged baby, just next to his little sleeping tent. He didn’t want to be rocked, he didn’t want milk. He didn’t want a song or a back rub. He definitely did not want an explanation — this is an unfamiliar place, but Mommy and Daddy are right down the hall, brother is in the room, the surroundings will feel more familiar soon, with some good sleep you’ll feel better in the morning. Can you say waste. of. breath. Not a cuddle or a stroll or a late night snack–

He just wanted to be held.

I had plenty of time to think about it, since it was my turn, sitting there doing the holding, and it occurred to me that perhaps we all feel that way sometimes.

When a friend of mine has a problem though, I’m not very good at that holding. I’m more of a come-up-with-solutions or let’s-look-on-the-bright-side kind of friend. What-can-I-do-to-help-fix-it and what-are-the-perfect-words-for-this-situation and how-can-we-solve-this-in-a-thirty-minute-phone-conversation.

But I remembered in the dark there at 11 pm, Job — declared righteous and good by the Lord — sitting in ashes and bemoaning the loss of his health, his livelihood, his family. And I remembered his friends — who just sat with him for seven days because they saw he was in so much pain. They held his problem by being present.

But once they started opening their mouths at least half of what they had to say was useless. He didn’t deserve the lot that befell him — somehow inside God’s sovereignty, it just happened. The long diatribes and arguments were a waste of breath.

And the best thing they did turned out to be the thing they did right at the start — the being present in the midst of the suffering. The holding.

Maybe this holding is a good thing for me: learning that where my pride would rather do - the simple act of being present can be more valuable than a heap of well-put-together words. Whether we’ve been alive sixty days or sixty weeks or sixty years, there are times when we just need to be held — held in the presence of God, and held by one another.

But we who pace in front of the microwave struggle with this concept: the truth that sometimes time is a big part of the answer. There are problems that can’t be solved in a day. There are issues that aren’t resolved with the right words. Questions that aren’t answered by Google. The things we like to call opportunities in disguise — it takes time to unravel those costumes.

The best stuff in life can’t be ordered at a drive-thru.

We can plant, we can water, but time — there has to be time for the blooming.

I pondered all this until tired baby was well-enough asleep for me to gently lay him down again. Can we learn again this long-forgotten way of being? To simply sit in the presence, in the arms of our good Father — not needing words, not begging answers, not hollering for something to change about the situation — could I trust enough to just be held? To be still and know?

And can we be the type of people who are willing to hold one another? In prayer, in presence, knowing how love is sometimes spelled?

It’s peaceful inside the room as I close the door behind me. I’m amazed to think my presence — just being there — was enough.

xCC